Sandwiched between the security-gated mock Tudor mansions of the Camberley nouveaux riches and the Basingstoke Canal is the Lakeside Entertainment Complex.
Like much of Surrey, Lakeside consists of a number of utilitarian buildings of little architectural merit. There's a gym, two hotels, various sporting venues for pool, golf, squash and snooker, a mobile home park, Beepeys Nightclub and the building which hosts the annual World Darts Championship. And there's also the Lakeside County Club, specialising in Asian Weddings, Ladies' Nights (of the Chippendale rather than Masonic variety) and, for today, the South East Regional Conservatives European Selection Conference.
Never before have so many people gathered to select candidates for a Parliament they wished did not exist, nor candidates apply for selection so they can vote themselves out of a job. It was akin to a group of atheist vegetarians selecting turkeys which then looked forward to Christmas.
We gathered at 9am. The collective sight of the Party faithful on a weekday is fine, as most wear business suits or Harris Tweed. Saturdays however, are something to behold. Out come those special garments saved for such occasions; all manner of cravats, blazers, stay-pressed slacks in various shades of grey and striped jackets of a type which can only be found in the High Streets of Marlow and Henley. One chap had an ear trumpet and kept shouting for people to "speak up", which did make me wonder why deaf people always sit at the back then complain they cannot hear!
First up were the incumbents, Richard Ashworth, Nirj Deva, Dan Hannan and Marta Andreasen (in that order). Incumbents receive special treatment; provided they receive support from 60% of those present and entitled to vote, they are guaranteed one of the top places on the Regional List. I wasn't going to talk about the result in this blog, but as a fairly comprehensive report has already appeared on ConHome, I will confirm that neither Richard nor Marta Andreasen reached that threshold. I feel very sorry for Richard. We are on totally opposite sides of the European debate, but he was a decent, dedicated and hard working MEP and was unstinting in his support for the three Kent Associations I work for. He does not deserve some of the nasty and vitriolic comments posted on ConHome celebrating his failure.
Given the announcement was delayed due to a recount, the result was clearly very close and I suspect he failed by a handful of votes. I have little doubt that the "swivel-eyed loones" comment resulted in a backlash against those seen as "establishment" candidates, and probably swung sufficient votes to make a difference. Something for those who make such comments to consider before making them again.
Nirj spoke well and his speech was by far the most amusing, though cruelly several people asked who wrote it for him.
Then came the darling of grass roots, Dan Hannan, who delivered his usual strong performance, though halfway through his microphone failed. Thinking of yesterday's press reports of retiring Euro MP James Elles, who called on Dan Hannan to be expelled, I posted the following Tweet (which went viral after Dan retweeted it to his 35,000 followers!)
Finally it was UKIP defector, Marta Andreasen. Marta was very helpful to us in West Kent during the recent County Council campaign. She joined us canvassing several times and wrote a very useful article on why she left UKIP, which was helpful in minimising defections of Conservative pledges, (though memories of her on her hands and knees on Tonbridge doorstep shouting through a letterbox that she's looking for two Cox (Mr and Mrs!) will remain with me for a long time). Despite handling some hostile questions adequately, I sensed she was not connecting with many of those in the audience and was not surprised when she also failed to reach the threshold.
And that, readers, is the morning session. I will blog later about the peasants revolt over the chicken drumsticks and the joys that came in the afternoon session. Reliving it is better than watching the Eurovision Song Contest (though only marginally so).
A little tender what? I hear you ask.
Actually, a little tender as in,
"Nautical A vessel attendant on other larger vessels, especially one
that ferries people or supplies between ship and shore, or into waters too shallow for the larger vessel to navigate."
After a few false starts, we finally shook hands on a deal this morning. The seller is a lovely old chap who has been using her for years, but has recently found advancing age is making it difficult for him to navigate.
Before buying this one, we had considered a few others. One of the oddest viewings was of a lovely looking boat in Little Venice Marina at Yalding. The photographs on Ebay showed a delightful, well maintained and much loved boat with lots of polished teak and brass. When we got there, the actual boat was a completely different make and model to the one advertised; with pools of stagnant water in the cabin and strewn with beer cans and signs of advanced osmosis. The woman selling it was equally odd. She spoke with a heavy eastern European accent, like Zsa Zsa Gabor's country cousin, and refused to meet us as, "in my country ve neva do bizeness in ze morning". Perhaps she was Transylvanian?
We had to collect the keys at 10.00am from a woman named Sally, whose name wasn't Sally, but Caroline. Sally (or Caroline) worked at the marina, but she had never met Zsa Zsa Gabor either. Her monthly mooring fee was always pushed through the letterbox in cash, and at night. Just as we stepped on the boat Zsa Zsa rang. "How do you like my little boat" she asked. It was spooky, as if she was hiding in the woodland watching us. "It's appalling, we wouldn't have it if you were giving it away and you should be done for false advertising", I ranted. "How about if I knock £1000 off the price?" Considering she was only asking £2,000, this was quite a reduction, but still we weren't tempted. "In zat case, pleaze hand ze key back Zally." "Her name isn't Sally, its Caroline..." Click - by this time Zsa Zsa had returned to her vault.
So now, we are a two-boat family. She isn't glamorous and she has very little style, but she will do exactly what we want her to - transport us up and down the Medway, on day and weekend trips away.
She has a powerful outboard motor, able to punch against the strongest tide, a cosy little forward cabin which converts into a double berth, a two ring cooker, fresh water supply and loo.
Soon we'll be running day trips to Snodland, Strood, Gillingham and the Isle of Sheppey. Form an orderly queue, please.
We might be at a low point of the political cycle, but I have never believed this should be used as an excuse for standing still. At the County Council elections, our three strongest performances each saw the Conservative vote share decline by just 3% - 4% compared with 2009, and in each of these wards our local teams delivered between 5 - 7 leaflets. Whereas our three weakest performances (where the vote fell by 15%+) saw just two leaflets. I have never seen clearer evidence actions leading to outcome.
Similarly with membership recruitment. Yes, it's tough, but we need to see the opportunities and not be discouraged by the apparent gloom (or perhaps I should say, not use the gloom as a reason for doing nothing!) We are presently polling around 31% compared with 37% at the General Election. What this actually means is for every 100 people who voted for us at the General Election, 83 of them are still with us. But more importantly, given where we are politically, clearly those 83 are loyal, and supportive of what we have achieved.
So rather than using the missing 17% as a reason for doing nothing, shouldn't we be identifying the 83% and asking them to join us? Our County Council canvassing demonstrated that those who are still with us are determinedly so; had they been tempted by UKIP they would have gone by now, and the one thing which absolutely unites them is a determination to prevent Ed Miliband and Ed Balls from running the country.
So that's just what we are doing in Tonbridge & Malling. In June we will be running our largest recruitment campaign for a decade. All that has to be decided is the scale - either 5,000, 10,000 or 20,000 targets. I suspect we will settle on 10,000, but that's one of the decisions next week's Management Committee must take. The recruitment will be linked to Sir John Stanley's retirement and the prospect of participating in the selection of the new Parliamentary candidate, something the Association has not done for 40 years.
Here is the new recruitment leaflet and form which we will send with the letter. I have spent quite some time today trying to find the right words to overcome the main objection to joining; fear of the expectation that if they join they will have to 'get involved'.
As always, I am happy to share my work and if you think what I have produced would be helpful to you locally, please feel free to copy my ideas.
More leaflets = more votes!
I first heard this irritating but accurate one-liner from Gavin Barwell, when he was Campaign Director at CCHQ. My colleague, Chris Scott, also recites the mantra, as do I. Now I have proof.
Over the last few days, along with my 'resident statistician' Dr John Hayward, we have been number crunching the Kent and SE Regional voting figures from 2 May - and particularly within the three constituencies where I am agent. We have charted and cross referenced votes by Division over the last four years, and cross tabulated them against individual ward / divisional and candidate's campaign actions.
Without divulging specifics I can now say that "More Leaflets = More Votes" is true (not that I personally ever doubted it).
Over the 14 County Council Divisions where I was agent, there is a direct and clear correlation between the number of 'points of contact' with an elector and the size of the swing. I have always been frustrated at candidates who claim "it makes no difference", or whenever I hear the tired words "if we do too much it will irritate people". Almost always those making such comments haven't knocked on a door or delivered a leaflet for a decade!
What is absolutely clear is despite the national tide in UKIPs favour and a number of issues testing the loyalty of the traditional wing of the Conservative Party; where a local candidate had a high profile doorstep based campaign, they were easily able to see off the threat.
By way of example; in our three top performing Divisions, the Conservative vote share (%) fell by less that 5% (and this is compared with 2009, which was a record year for us). In our worst three Divisions, the Conservative share fell by more than 15%. And can I share something else ? In the top tranche, our local teams had 3 x the number of contacts with voters as the bottom tranche.
So next time you hear a laissez faire candidate or branch Chairman claim "campaigning makes no difference" - tell them they are wrong!
I wanted to highlight this excellent initiative by one of our local Conservative Councillors in Tonbridge and Malling, Tom Edmondston-Low, who represents Higham ward.
Tom is a great supporter of his local shops and businesses, and he picked up a suggestion from the Conservative Councillors' Association (CCA) to run 'local shops promotion'.
Tom visited the parade of shops serving his community and signed them up to offer a 5% discount to all customers in possession of a discount voucher, between 1 June - 30 June 2013.
He then designed the attached leaflet, with an explanation of the promotion on the front, and various money-off vouchers on the reverse, which, along with his colleagues, will be delivered to the 3,000 houses in his ward over the coming week.
What a super initiative; it benefits the local shops by driving footfall, helps the local community be offering a discount; promotes the Conservative Party by demonstrating how we can add value and communicate with residents throughout the year and publicises the local team of Conservative Councillors who are active in their community.
An all round win, I would say!
Today was the first meeting of the small sub committee we have formed to organise next year's dinner, to celebrate Sir John Stanley's 40 years in Parliament.
We had agreed to meet at Hadlow Manor, one of those privately owned hotels which specialise in coach parties of peach-sucking grannies touring the Garden of England. I shall refer to my two co-organisers as Miss Malt and Mrs Birch, which will at least afford them some modicum of deniability - though both mentioned they looked forward to reading about the meeting on this blog!
Mrs Birch said she would pick me up, as the office is en route. She has a new car, having nagged the old one into submission. Hers was the only vehicle I have ever seen which had traded in its airbags for earplugs. She picked me up in West Malling car park. For some reason, despite 40% of the spaces being empty, Mrs Birch had parked blocking the roadway and the entrance to another car park used by local shop workers. "I don't like this new car, it doesn't move as fast as the old one and I can't even turn the radio off," were her opening remarks. I pressed the button with On/Off printed on it and off went the radio. "Oh, how did you do that?", she enquired, as she reversed into an oncoming Range Rover and missed the local pharmacist's Mercedes by millimetres. As she played pot luck with the gears and we bounced along the road, she repeated, "it doesn't go anywhere near as fast as my old one," for which I was grateful. It was like Driving Miss Daisy - but in this case Miss Daisy was behind the wheel.
Finally we arrived at Hadlow Manor and bounced to a halt. Miss Malt was waiting for us in the car park. There then followed a scene worthy of Fawlty Towers. We tried to get in through the front door, but it was locked. There was a sign reading, "Front Door Around the Side" and an arrow. We followed the pathway around the front of the old manor and down steps running horizontal with the restaurant, where a random collection of elderly tourists and local pensioners were finishing off their set lunch. The pathway ran into a brick wall. Faced with the indignity of retracing our steps with the rheumy-eyed diners watching us, we thought we'd brazen it out and pretend we intended to be there, having spotted a gap between three large potted shrubs which would take us towards the entrance. What we didn't spot was beyond the shrubs was a two foot drop. Quite what the diners thought of these two well dressed ladies of a certain age accompanied by a tall fat bloke, all trying to retain a modicum of dignity whilst clambering through bushes and navigating a 2 foot drop, we shall never know.
Once inside and hidden out of harms way with a pot of tea, we started on the menus which had been provided by Tonbridge School. Many of the dishes were quite adventurous - never a good thing when organising a Conservative dinner. As many readers who have organised such events will know, planning a menu for 250 is a challenge. It's not so much selecting what people will actually like, more a case of eliminating what cannot be served, and hoping there's something left worth having. Out went the lobster tails, prawns and scallops (allergies). We said goodbye to the seared chicken livers (too rich) and the gravadlaz (the old boys will confuse it with a Norwegian sea-port). The main courses fared no better. Steak (some like it pink others well done), chicken (dull), baked sea bass (bones), confit of duck (digestion). Even the Romney Salt Marsh Lamb caused concern due to dentures.
Then we faced the guest list, and in particular, who would participate in the proceedings. It was decided to be formal, with grace and a Loyal toast. "Do we have a friendly vicar?" "How about your Steve?" "He's a Socialist." "Oh, yes, that won't do." "How about (x)?" "Resigned over the gays." "What about (x) his father was a vicar?" "Not sure he actually believes in God." "Oh, does that matter in the Church of England these days...?"
Finally, we were all done and dusted and saying our goodbyes, and once again I was in the hands of Miss Daisy and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. As we travelled back to West Malling, I took a call. It was the future Mayor of Tunbridge Wells, phoning with a generous invitation to a celebratory lunch party at his home. As I was thanking him for his kindness, the air with filled with a string of shocking invective, which caught me and the caller by surprise. "Everything OK Mrs Birch?" I enquired. Apparently it was the man in the Audi behind - he was daring to flash as she wasn't driving fast enough. How dare he? 23 mph on a dual carriageway is fast enough for anyone ! Bloody cheek - if she was in her old car she would give him a run for his money!
You know you have reached the stage in your life when you have everything you could possibly need when you ask your partner to buy you for your birthday an electric-powered oscillating boat buffer, with sheepskin polishing pads.
